Siblings and fathers: two family members who can get overlooked

The autistic child in your house may have a plan, a team and a file. The other people in the house, the brother or sister and often the father, often have none of that. This page is about them.

Why siblings deserve attention too

Siblings often spend more hours with your autistic child than any therapist will. They can also be the ones who hear "not now" most often.

The research describes two things at once. Studies describe siblings of children with a disability who develop more empathy, maturity and patience. Some siblings also carry more worry, more loneliness and a quiet sense of coming second. ¹ A recurring theme is whether the family acknowledges the sibling's experience.

A systematic review of 24 studies of sibling support programs found small but positive differences compared with waiting lists, in knowledge about the condition, self-esteem, coping and the sibling relationship. The most sustained gains were in emotional and behavioural adjustment and knowledge of the condition. ¹ The reviewers were clear that the programs varied a lot and more data are needed, and two studies reported a negative effect on at least one sibling outcome. Talking with siblings about what is going on, in a way that suits your child and your family, may help a little and costs little.

What may help siblings, in practice

• Name it early and plainly. Use the word "autistic" at home. A four-year-old can understand "her brain works differently, so loud places hurt her ears." Silence can teach a child that the topic is off-limits. See telling family, grandparents and your child.
• Give them a real role, not a caretaking role. A sibling who is the "helper" all the time can come to resent it. A sibling who has one defined job in a game ("you hold the timer") can build a sense of competence. Some studies of sibling-mediated play report better social outcomes for the autistic child when the sibling is an active participant rather than an observer.
• Protect ten minutes a week that is only theirs. Same time, same parent, no phone. Predictability may matter more than length.
• Let them complain. "I hate that we left the park again" is not disloyalty. It is a child telling you how it felt. The answer can be "yes, that was hard for you too," rather than a lesson about their sibling's needs.
• Answer the question they asked. "Will I catch it?" needs "no." "Will he always be like this?" needs "he will keep growing and changing, and so will you." Not more.
• Help them meet other siblings. Montreal organizations like Autisme Montréal and the Montreal Centre for Learning Disabilities may offer family programming where siblings meet other siblings; check what is currently offered. See the Montreal directory.

What to say to a sibling

"Your brother's brain notices everything at once. That is why he covers his ears. It is not because of you."

"You are allowed to be annoyed. I get annoyed too. We still love him, and we still love you."

"Some days he gets more of my time. That is not because he matters more. Tonight is yours."

Fathers: what one cohort study found

Much of the parent research in autism has focused mainly on mothers. One study that looked at fathers separately found the following pattern.

A French cohort followed 103 families for three years after an autism diagnosis. At diagnosis, mothers reported higher stress and more anxiety and depression than fathers, and they leaned more on social support. Over the three years, mothers' stress fell significantly. Fathers' did not. ² Anxiety and depression eased for both parents. Because fathers' stress did not decrease in this cohort, it is worth checking in with fathers too, rather than assuming they are fine.

If a father seems to pull back, two things are worth holding at once. First, withdrawing is not necessarily indifference. A father who goes quiet, works late or throws himself into rebuilding the deck may be managing more than he can say. Second, withdrawing can have a cost: the stress may persist, and the other parent may end up carrying more of the appointments, the research and the paperwork. That load is often hard to see.

Supporting fathers' involvement

Ask each parent which kind of support works for them: conversation, a shared activity, practical help, or a combination. Do not assume the answer from their gender.

Practical versions of this:

• Consider giving him one domain that is fully his: bath and bedtime, the weekend outing, the paperwork for the Disability Tax Credit. Whole ownership, not "help me with."
• If it suits him, choose action-shaped support: movement, nature and water, a father-and-child routine that repeats weekly.
• Agree together who attends appointments and how you will share information.
• If a parent has ADHD themselves, stress may be higher. A 2026 cross-sectional study of 127 children with ADHD and their caregivers found the caregiver's own ADHD symptoms were more closely linked to parenting stress than the child's ADHD symptoms were. ³ The heredity page explains the family link.

Where the disagreement is

One reading of the father research is "fathers cope better," because their distress scores at diagnosis are lower. Another reading of the same numbers is "fathers cope later," because their stress does not fall over time. Both readings fit the data. Our view is that the second reading is more useful to a family, because it points to something you can do: offer the father a way in that suits him, and check on him at year two, not just at diagnosis.

This week

Sources

1. Psychosocial interventions and support groups for siblings of individuals with neurodevelopmental conditions: a mixed methods systematic review (2023) ↩1 ↩2
2. Changes in mothers' and fathers' stress level, mental health and coping strategies during the 3 years following ASD diagnosis (2023) ↩1
3. From ADHD symptoms to parental stress: the roles of functional impairment, family functioning, and parental ADHD (2026) ↩1
4. Peer support interventions for parents and carers of children with complex needs (2021)